We hit a pro here
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Why shouldn’t blind people sky dive??
It scares the dog.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
What did the police do when they caught the thief stealing the desserts from the bakery?
They took him into custardy
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
“That’s what.” – She
No text found
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender asked, "do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants?" And the pirate said, "arrr it's driving me nuts!"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence