We Just Want Free Stuff
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. “Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
What did the scarf say to the hat?
I'll hang around here. You go on ahead.
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
They’re his watch dogs!
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
I got scammed into buying fake bamboo
That day, I was bamboozled.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
AFL, one of the most well-known security fuzzer, recently has got purchased by Google. I was upgrading my own code modification based on the pre-Google version AFL to the recent Google-owned newer version, then I found out they “civilized” some of the developer’s comment. Mildly interesting.
https://ift.tt/2NdkW57
Our solar system sucks.
1 star.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."