We know this for a fact.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.
When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera
I still have flashbacks!
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
There are more intersex people than trans people in America, link in comments
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Fibonacci
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
And you wonder why you’re stuck in the ER for 8 hours
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Germans when it comes to driving
Germans when it comes to driving
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
[Warning]: 18+
19.
Today I met the underwater spy
His name was James Pond
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually