We laughed but we didn’t listen
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said “yes!”
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE
Harry Potter erotica
I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there. I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story. Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd. I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Failed to crosspost to r/kidsarefuckingstupid for some reason so here ya go guys
https://ift.tt/2OMnLfw
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?” He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL