We live in a society
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
My wife is like a plunger.
She is very good in bringing up old shit.
It’s just as I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
I went swimming today and took a pee in the deep end
The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud, I almost fell in
What do you call a group of 8 rabbits?
A rabbyte.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
My 8 year old cousin: ” Why did the chicken cross the road?”
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
Who called it breast transplants and not Boobles?
No text found
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
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The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Did you hear about the new radio station?
W-I-F-E They tell you what to do all day long!
Me : *washing car with son*
Son : "Dad can't you just use a sponge?"
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
When your trying to discuss school with your dad.
I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.
Why wouldn’t the hipster swim in the river?
It was too main stream
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
I had my first date last night.
I think I’ll stick to raisins.