We lost a good one.
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?
They don’t want to dialog
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
It’s incredible how many people confuse “to” and “too”.
It’s amazing two me.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a bit flushed.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her “pig.”
The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig." "Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk away scot-free. However, you can no longer call Ms. Johnson a 'pig.' Understood?" "Well… that doesn't seem fai- " "-we can let this go to trial, you can spend thousands on lawyers, but if Ms. Johnson's attorneys can prove calling her a 'pig' leads to emotional damage, you'll end up owing a lot." Dave paused. "OK, fine. Can I call a pig 'Ms. Johnson'?" The judge looked over his notes. "Yes… you may call a pig 'Ms. Johnson' without fear of legal recourse." Dave turned to Peggy and said "Good afternoon, Ms. Johnson."
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
