“We need a President who isn’t a laughing stock to the entire World. We need a truly great leader, a genius at strategy and winning. Respect!” – Donald Trump, Aug 9, 2014
Why, God? Why?!
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Did a boomer design these?
Like a round peg in a square hole…
The fastest NoSQL database ever.
PHP clearly has the most intuitive name
More Funny Than Sad, To Be Honest.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
You can judge a man by the company he keeps
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
Minimum wage is not a livable wage
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
Long story short we all died😅😑
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
Saving the code in MS Word.
No no but yes yes
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
My live in a sentence…
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
Shared from your aunt
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
If you want to walk around with a gun, then do it properly
Who are they
My great aunt sends me these. Yes its WhatsApp yes she’s indian
My Papa and his political shirts again!
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
if you CONCENTRATE, you’ll get this
My dad just sent me this
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Wife talking = bad
Your stone tablet sure does get some good reception.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Back in the day we used to memorize The Illiad
Texan pro gun leftist can confirm
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
When a project has 1 designer and 1 engineer.
1939 for second half
But Muh Participation Trophy!
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Put down that iphone
The one test you’d be happy to fail
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?