“We need a President who isn’t a laughing stock to the entire World. We need a truly great leader, a genius at strategy and winning. Respect!” – Donald Trump, Aug 9, 2014
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because they'd be called bagels if they flew over the bay…
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I
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The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
Just elements of it
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
Imagine having a president that doesn’t understand how the First Amendment works
https://ift.tt/2yEEfRR
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
![[NSFW] Triple D Boobs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/sID9hHy-400x659.jpg)
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()