We need a space wall, and Mars is going to pay for it
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
only a fraction of people will get this joke
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
When asked what his favorite holiday was. Arnold Schwarzenegger replied.
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
My wife just told me she was pregnant…
True story. I used this as an opportunity to tell my first Dad joke: "Hello, Pregnant. My name is Dad." Dumb, but I don't care. I'm on top of the f'ing world right now and nothing can take me down.
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
Those fuckers jam out.
Those fuckers jam out.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
My wife is really mad at the fact I have no sense of direction…
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
Anti-vaxxers are the biggest hypocrites. How?
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
Midgets and Dwarfs…
have very little in common.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Fucking everywhere
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.