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Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
So a vowel saves another vowel’s life.
The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you!”
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
Never challenge death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I had a pet newt once, I called him Tiny
Because he was my newt
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor." Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My wife said to me “you didn’t hear a word I said did you?”
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
