We never meant for those rules to apply to *us*
They were prime mates
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
…I can always count on them!
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
They get really annoyed
He said: No, my name is Daniel. Do all Asian guys look the same to you? Me: No. I meant, do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
What does smoking marijuana do?
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I Hershey kisses good too
He just can’t part with it.
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
It's a small-price toupee.
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
Imagine all the Paypal…
Do seahorses scallop?
She didn’t even know I existed…
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”