we salute this absolute legend
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store…
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
I went on a tea marathon last night.
After 5 chamomiles, I was exhausted.
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
Never smoking weed with Mexicans again
I asked who has papers and they all took off running
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
Bobby had sex with a teacher.
Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today." Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home." When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes upstairs slamming doors. Charging into his son's room, he exclaims loudly, "Boy, what the hell have you been up to?!?" Then in a whisper, "Hell yeah, son. High five. Got any questions for the old man?" To which, little Bobby replied, " Yeah, Dad. How much longer is my butt gonna hurt?"
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book … and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies: "No, Honey, it's because you're twenty-three"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.