We should take some direction from Canada on this…
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
A young man gathers his courage and decides to come out as being gay to his mother and father
They're both reasonably shocked, but are very supportive. They assure him that they still love him, and wish he'd told them sooner. Everything seems to be going great, until the father poses a question to his son that makes the young man really think. "How are you going to focus on college if you're spending all your time being a moderator on Reddit?"
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
Saying “have a nice day” to someone, sounds friendly
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
A nazi walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an orthodox jew sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that jew over there!" The nazi turns to the jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazis direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar"
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Shot my first turkey today..
scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Women really do hold grudges over the smallest things…
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.