We should take some direction from Canada on this…
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
I cut my mouth on cheese.
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
I can prove getting kicked in the nuts hurts worse than childbirth.
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour