We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
In order to improve higher education…
We must build taller schools
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas
I bought a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
An American, a Canadian, a young attractive woman and an old lady were on a train
As they went through a tunnel and it became too dark to see and a loud SMACK could be heard. As the train exited the tunnel everyone looked at the American and saw he had a bright red cheek. The old lady thought to herself "I bet that American grabbed that young woman and she smacked him for it." The young attractive woman thought "I bet that American grabbed that old lady thinking it was me and she smacked him for it." The American thinks to himself "I bet that Canadian grabbed that young attractive woman and she smacked me thinking it was me." And the Canadian thinks to himself "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can smack the American again."
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much