We were growing pumpkins, these are the last few.
Study shows women are turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver watch out
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain
To keep each udder dry
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Why should china have a base ball team?
Because they can take down the whole world with one bat.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
Scientists have recently created a new hybrid by mating a male donkey and a female deer.
It isn't very beautiful, but that ass doe
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
No text found
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?” Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
I hear balloon prices are up
It’s due to inflation
What is the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu Because you get what you deserve
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.