Wearing my ‘fuck you Karen’ shirt to stay home, Stay safe.
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.
A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby." The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!" The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!" The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!" The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. She asks, "Why are you crying"? The man replies, "I work for Seven Up."
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
Where is the safest place in your house during a zombie apocalypse?
The Living Room! Credit goes to this old man at my job. He's full of em.
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants. Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts. "The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced. The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life. Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches. "Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!" His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head. "If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?" Another head shake. " Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you." "I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily. "Who the hell pushed me?"