Weed doing wonders
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: âUno…â âDos…â And disappeared without a trace.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldnât make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
I’ll never forget my Dad’s final words
"Son, toss me that hatchet"
Wife : Why donât you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?
Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast
What’s the difference between and hippo and a zippo
One is pretty heavy and the other is a little lighter
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isnât working out
Why canât you breed a eel with and eagle?
Itâs Eeleagle
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.