Weinstein didn’t kill himself
Sorry just practicing
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
Where do Captain Hook and Darth Vader shop?
The second hand store.
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice…
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get an air conditioner" "I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor" "Well, Danny, do you have a good friend, I mean a real close friend?" "Yeah, I've got a close friend, Frank" "Well, ask your friend Frank to stand over you and your wife with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Danny asks Frank for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Danny is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Frank fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her. Danny says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Danny takes the towel and starts wafting Frank, who is now making love to Danny's wife. Not long after, Danny's wife goes "Oooh… oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!" Danny shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Frank?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
A farmer friend of mine
used his stimulus check to buy baby chickens. He got his money for nothing and his chicks for free.
My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.
Personally I’m on the fence.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knock Dormamu : Who's there? Dr. Strange : door mom Dormamu : door mom who? Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.