Welcome to 2019 conservatism!
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence
A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.
It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!
It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
I have peaked Dad Jokeness
[Just some context] Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment. When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer." I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
A male and a female martians swapped partners with an earth couple
The Martian male was fucking the earth female but she told him that his penis was too small so he pulled his left ear and his penis became longer then she told him that it's too thin so he pulled his right ear and his penis became wider and the earth female became very happy. The next night the earth female asked the earth male about his experience with the female martian so he said "yea it was fun but idk why she kept pulling my ears"
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
Walls of youth
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. 'Go get your Mother'
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"