Well…
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
Why was Heisenberg bad at sex?
Because when he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum. And when he found the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
What’s worse than an unanswered question?
No text found
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
If a plant is sad.Do other plants photosympathise with it?
No they chlorofeel.
A man was found abusing words
He got a sentence.
I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain.
They Shere Khan.
FOR SALE, Broken Quiz Machine
No Questions asked
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
