Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
Then it hit me
I will find you, you have my word
That's where I draw the line.
We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.
She acts like I don't exist until she wants something.
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
To a certain degree.
He learned next to nothing.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
That was a trip down memory lane
They’re just trying to be edgy.
They're under a buck.
One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
He was a small medium at large.
It was a race to the Finnish.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
I might go take a gander.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
Math posts make me feel number.
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "Two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "One, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President that God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"