Well, at least it’s not toilet paper
I stumbled upon an Elk with no name…
… it was Anonymoose
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.
How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?
Turn off the lights.
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
I, for one
Like Roman numerals
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
Paragraph, cause he’s not a full essay
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
I hate sausage puns. They are the wurst.
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His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
A magician stops a woman on a street….
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. “Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But… what’s that in her HAND???” “It… it looks like…” “Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
nothing tops a plain pizza
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Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
What is GEN Z’s least favorite toy?
a BOOMERang. Ha.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.