“Well f*ck”
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
The (mis)information superhighway
The (mis)information superhighway
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.
She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl. So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard you'd have sworn she was still alive
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They'll just beat the room for being black.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
What’s large, grey, and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'