Well, for the “little” people…
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?
Also why is water so fuckin scary?
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King". Genie: Wait, what? Why? Man: It's for a joke, trust me. Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke? Man: Yes. Burger King: Have it your way.
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep." The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing." So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise. The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing. They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise." So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?" The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
Attitude Adjustment
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude. Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace. For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again." Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "5,000$" she replies. "5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "15,000$" she replies. "15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
