If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
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Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
My girlfriend was born without her little toe and the sight of her foot makes me physically ill.
My therapist said I'm lack toes intolerant.
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
– I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? – Eleven.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
A pregnant woman got into a car accident and was placed in a medically-induced coma.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’
Can anyone inform me on who invented knock knock jokes ?
They deserve a no bell prize
I tripped in France
Eiffel over.
Just spent 8 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a waist of time.
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today
She thinks I'm digging a pond
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
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Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".