“Well I don’t know either”
My mom just sent me a bunch of the good stuff
When you realize you’ve been pushing code to the wrong branch
Me reading the code i took over from a colleague
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
them damn commies can’t watch now
How to get rid of the virus…
A car full of Irish nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
A Party United
#stayathomechallenge – laugh out loud! Easter 2020
She is pretty good at this sort of thing
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Every first year CS student be like:
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
Those noses though
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
Cadet Bone Spurs, dodging for duty!
Just got this from my grandpa
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Capitalism bailed out by Socialism, AGAIN.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant…
…I can't pull anything out in time!
Marriage is a sore topic in these strips
If you got bladder problems…
It’s like this for all human, right?
Found some Facebook boomer gold.
When you were right the whole time
She has a plan for everything…
I was having an argument with my friend the other day
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
Lets see if anyone can understand this one.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
*Doing random stuff and praying for code to work*
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
They too smart be left alive
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Time to update all my depending libraries again
Roasted by my new Boss today
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
Attention Trump supporters..
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.
Great White Shark
I died when I saw this. Of course I respawned though.
Beginners trying to style something with CSS:
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her. I turned her down.
I don't like high maintenance women.
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
Wow that’s litterally my code
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
That Was Fast
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
A young man buys a brand-new bike
He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and rides off on his new best friend. After 300 kilometres of touring fun, his bike begins to stutter and eventually breaks down. The man finds himself in the middle of nowhere and walks to the nearest farm. The farmer, who is working outside on the land, greets him and asks if he stays for dinner, awaiting the truck who'll pick up his bike for reparation. Eagerly the man agrees. Inside he meets the farmers wife and their beautiful daughter. When he walks into the kitchen, he's astounded by the biggest pile of dirty dishes he has ever seen. 'We have one dinner rule', the farmer says. 'Whoever speaks during dinner, has to do the dishes.' Dinner is served and everyone is enjoying the meal in total silence. When desert comes, the farmers daughter takes off her top, and starts frisking the man. In about two minutes they are making love, right there on the table. Nobody utters a word. After they finish, the farmers wife gets under the table, and blows the man like he's never been blown before. Right after she climbs on his lap, and rides him like a bull. Still, nobody has said a word. When she's done, the man lights a sigarette and peeks out of the window. He notices it's started drizzling outside, and remembers his bike is out in the open. He jolts up, grabs the vaseline and bolts to the front door, only to find it locked. He sprints back into the kitchen, making wild armgestures to the farmer, pointing outside, to the door and to his tiny jar of vaseline. The farmer, white with fear, then says: 'Allright allright, I'll do the dishes!'
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”