Well it’s not wrong…
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
I took two pairs of socks golfing
In case I got a hole in one
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
Imagine if we Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night.
There would be mass confusion.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
How did the farmer catch his cheating wife?
He tractor down.
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
What should you do when its cold?
stand in the corner, because its 90 degrees there
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
https://ift.tt/3fCrkjN
How do you make an egg roll?
You push it.
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
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I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."