Well, next year it’s gonna be one more thing – straps with jack.
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
A guy with wet feet enters a bar
The barman asks : Why are your feet wet? The guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A second guy enters the bar and is wet from the knees to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The second guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A third guy enters the bar and is wet from the hips to the toes. The barman asks: Why are you wet? The third guy says: I went into the lake to get wood. A fourth guy enters the bar and is completly wet. The barman says: I guess you went into the lake to get wood?! The fourth guy says: No. I'm Wood !
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
Why does Peter Pan always fly?
Because he can neverland.
I bought the worst thesaurus today
Not only is it terrible, but it's also terrible.
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
I dig, You dig, He digs, She digs, We dig, They dig.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the Bible correctly:
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
What’s worse than a loading animation?
Two loading animations!
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest….
A lumberjack walks into a magical forest to cut a tree. He swings his ax at an old oak and it shouts, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack laughed and says, "Yes! And you will dialogue."
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.