Well played
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
In his grandfather’s overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
When a women is giving birth, she’s literally kidding.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
My teacher told me I would never be any good at Poetry because of my dyslexia….
But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I really like books with female protagonists.
It’s almost like I’m addicted to heroine.