Well said Tiffany
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it's almost over
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
How warm is a baby at birth?
Womb temperature.
My boss told me to wear rubber gloves while dealing with customers this week. I told him “Fuck that.”
I’m doing these prostate exams my way.
Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health. From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.
One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door. "Sure…" his wife said. "It will cost you $500." "That much?" "But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town." "I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered. "Sorry…" she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
6:30 is the best time of day.
Hands down.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
I once played the triangle in a reggae band but I left
It was just one ting after another
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun
The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion. The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m planning to give it a shot.
The car dealership in my town just doubled its size.
It can offer a whole lot more.