We’ll see
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell
They come with an Elon Musk.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder… "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see…" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
What was the tallest mountain in the world until Mount Everest was discovered?
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
Yo momma is so vegan and fat…
..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
Why do teenage girls always walk in odd numbers
Cuz they like can’t even
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.