We’ll see.
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
On which side do chickens have the most feathers…
The outside.
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest. One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple. "How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond. "And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend. "Tell me why," says the priest. "Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened." The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church." "We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
