It's my thirty second birthday after all.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. “Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
That was a pain in the ass.
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
They are making headlines!!!
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
It was a nice jester.
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
…but really, watashi no?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
Those were the Good Years.
How many grams of creamer can I dissolve in a 60°c 330ml water?
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
It was of great sedimentary value.
So instead, a subreddit.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
The Imam says “Why the wrong faith?”
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
They are both fine, unless you like food.
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
He’s too self absorbed.
There would be mass confusion.
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.