Well that’s all the proof I need
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
My 72 year old uncle posted this. Not gonna lie, it gave me a bit of a chuckle
https://ift.tt/2GwyuGc
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself…
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
Is infinity odd or even?
Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock
That's humerus.
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
My mum always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”.
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
My wife said we should hire a maid. “The job will get done a lot more often, and they’ll do a way better job!”
Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded
I realized this while watching The Matrix Reloaded