Well this is awkward
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
I just saw a guy selling beef from the top of a ladder…
The steaks couldn't be higher.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards…
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
![R.I.P big guy! [Not Humour]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/gbqvzq1mkzh41-400x463.jpg)
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
A new Navy recruit has just been assigned to his first submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
If abortion is such a mature subject,
why does it bring out people's inner child?
