Well. This sucks
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
When you hire entry-level developers to build a production app because you’re that cheap!
https://ift.tt/2TIj5tG
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate