We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
Did you know the first French fries where not made in France?
They where made in grease.
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didnt! Can’t!
"Dont worry" said the docter,"Those are just contractions"
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.
“Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!” “No way!” “Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.” – Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!” – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
My dad always said “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them”
A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality…
The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes back from the kitchen and says ‘father, I have spoken with mother and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘okay, now go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son comes down the stairs and says ‘father, I have spoken with my sister and she said she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. The father says ‘There you have it son, that’s the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on two million dollars. In reality, we’re living with a couple of sluts’.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.