Well well well!

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…

No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."

A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"

It's time to draw the line.

Been leaving headlines everywhere

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

"Neither have eye."

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.

One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"

Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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but you guys didn't like it

You've probably never heard of herbivore

I just can't think of one atm

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

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The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside. The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy. The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees. The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot… don't you have something to share about your son?" The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort…" They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"

Off wienerskin!

"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit

In case she needed to draw blood.

Because he’s been living under a rock.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta

A broken drum Nothing can beat it!

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That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.' Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!' The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?' 'Yes.' 'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?' 'Yes.' 'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?' 'Yes.' 'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.' Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?' The hooker replies, '$1,500.' 'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!' The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.' The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.' Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,' How much for some pussy?' The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?' 'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?' 'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

…. Thats the whole joke

Me: No shit. I'm constipated.

But you didn't like it.

Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?