Well well well….how the turntables
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
So then when one dies I'll still have two
A synonym roll…
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
They're always up to something.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
It’s a gateway rug
I gotta hand it to him.
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
The Star-Spangled Banner.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro… proo… problem?" The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant." The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter. At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back." The doctor shook his head and replied, "Tha…thaaa…that's im… immm… imm… po.. po.. pooo.. impossible!"
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked. The monk replied "religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
It was the least I could do for the guy.
The woman goes into surgery upon arrival and her husband is immediately called to come to the hospital. On arrival the husband is greeted by the surgeon. " You may want to have a seat" the surgeon says. "I have some bad news and some good news" The husband sits down nervously. "What's the bad news?" "Well" the surgeon says "your wife was involved in a car crash and we had to take her in for major surgery. She is alive but we had to take out a part of her brain to keep her alive. Unfortunately. She is unable to walk or talk anymore and will be unable to do anything independently. She will require 24/7 around the clock care, you will need to quit your job and help your wife eat, use the toilet and help feed her" The husband starts crying frantically. "Omg. What's happened to my life? Please please please. Tell me the good news" The surgeon replies "The good news is. I was joking. She's dead"
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
You use spring water.
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
It was tense
A cross word puzzle.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it