Went to a sperm clinic earlier. That lady asked if i would like to masturbate in a cup?
I said, “I’m good but im not ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
A Nun is very distraught…
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. 'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.' 'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?' 'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!' 'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!' 'Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !' 'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!' 'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!' 'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother. 'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!' 'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile. 'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!' Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. 'You missed the Goddamn putt, didn't you?'
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
Just remember you are someone’s reason to smile.
Because you're a joke.
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
