Went to hangout with some of my girlfriends and took turns seeing if we could squeeze through the narrow porthole and my big butt was the only one that wouldn’t fit :(
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.' 'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.' Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before. Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now. Bartender: Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? Pirate: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really… Bartender: What about that eye patch? Pirate: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye. Bartender: You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit? Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well
i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.
The computer is connected to watt?
Tech Support: Thanks for calling our repair shop, how may I help you? Customer: I unplugged my space heater and my computer said “no signal” and went black! Tech support: Does the keyboard or mouse make it turn back on? Customer: No, it doesn’t. Tech support: Did the power strip turn off? Sometimes they trip off when something like that gets unplugged. Customer: No, it’s still on, still has the green light. Tech support: Could you follow the cords on your computer and make sure none are frayed? Customer: (rustle rustle) Okay, both cords are fine. They’re good as new. Tech support: (Thinking, both cords? There should be more than 2 on a desktop) Could you tell me where the cords go? Customer: One goes to the wall, and the other one goes to the space heater. Tech support: The cord on your computer goes to the space heater? Customer: Yes. Tech support: (facepalm) Try plugging the “space heater” back in. Customer: Oh! Now the computer is working again.
I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.
Is nothing sacred?
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.