Went to universal this break…

I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climb down a wall.
I thought to myself, now thats a little condescending.
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.

Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.
Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught for half of them.
Because sin90 = cot45.
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
What organ can expand to 10 times it’s size…
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
Nobody knew who the Iranian general was a few days ago…
He just kinda blew up
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
I used to think it was strange working at the planet’s largest mint.
Now, it makes all the cents in the world.
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
A programmer gets sent to the store by his wife. His wife says, “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer returns home with 12 gallons of milk and says, “They had eggs.”
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.