We’re all out of ideas!
But enough about my day, how was yours?
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
Probably because he was never around
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Love without life is necrophilia.
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
He is fine. He woke up
they become VERY ANGRY
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Just for shits and giggles.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.