We’re all out of ideas!
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
So, my twin brother just called me from prison.
He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"
3 men die and go to heaven
At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree" He is allowed into heaven The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells" He is allowed into heaven The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?! The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
I invented a new word today
Plagiarism
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, โHowโd you land someone that young?โ โItโs simple,โ said the billionaire, โI faked my age!โ โI mean, Iโm 43, and thereโs no way I could land her!โ, a friend exclaims. โWhat age did you tell her you were?โ Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, โ85 years old.โ
Pov: My mom wakes my sleepy ass up to do the dishes
Pov: My mom wakes my sleepy ass up to do the dishes
Once long ago, a fisherman heard beautiful singing while he was alone a at sea.
He followed the enchanting voice till he came upon a singing yellowfin tuna. He knew he had found something incredible. He caught the fish, kept it alive and returned home. He showed his friends and posted videos on tik tok, and the singing fish went viral. It could sing almost anything, but Pavarotti was it's favorite. The fisherman toured around the world with the fish and set up a website to sell merch. The clothing he made sold like crazy, so he ordered thousands of short sleeve shirts to be made in advance. Unfortunately, the fish died, and the public lost interest. The fisherman was left with endless opera tuna tees.
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever