We’re analyzing boomer comics for the English exam
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
What did 1 eye say to the other
Between you and me something smells.
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m A Believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face…
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people. Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea). However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home. We passed a police check point and I could see they were pulling over drivers and giving them breath tests. They waved the bus past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I’d never driven a bus before and I’m not even sure where I got it from.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Why can’t a newborn be fooled?
Because he wasn't born yesterday
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
So proud of my daughter for this one… “Why do fishes swim in salt water?”
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
My Science Teacher don’t know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
Please stop with the dad jokes until this pandemic is over.
Let's all just stick to inside jokes for now.
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day