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“look over there”
"over where?" "I just made you say 'pants'…" (Made up by my 7 year old who never fails to giggle at "under where?" jokes)
What’s up doc?
I tried to sneak into a Star Trek convention disguised as a doctor but the security guard suspected I wasn't the real McCoy.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks…
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go ride bikes?
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
Daughter going through coupons for shopping trip.
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
Time for conservatives to utilize their right to bear arms and liberate some prisoners
https://ift.tt/2r3gqiI
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I told my wife she’s been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.
She seemed surprised.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of people know this
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
How are professional Jenga players different from basketball players?
They tower under everyone else.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
