We’re going to need a new upgrade..
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He’s just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he’s ever come across…
It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets. The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture. His feet feel refreshed! The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, like an alleyway out of Florence in the 1500s, but made out of clay stones. He sees two gentlemen working on fixing a small crack in the street, the only blemish for blocks. One of them is pounding down the clay with a wide-head sledgehammer, thwap thwap! The other is on his knees with a compass and a pick and a broom, adjusting the grade of the street material. He interrupts them to say, "Excuse me gentlemen! I hate to be a bother, but I just want to applaud your hard work on this alleyway. It's rare a city takes such good care with its streets and this one is one of the best." The man with the sledge stops and says, "Well, we appreciate that sir. You know your streets, it seems! Would it surprise you to know that the composition of this street is not adobe? It's mulched with our native nut trees, the cashew nut. That's what gives it its softness. When it rains, the petrichor has a slight sweetness due to the cashew, and the town smells fantastic. I'm just hammering it down before it gets too cold." "Well, I'll be!" cried the archaeologist. "And what's that fellow up to?" pointing to the man on his knees. "Oh him! He's in charge of checking the grade of the clay. If it's too rough, he picks and sweeps it. Backbreaking work. We hire four of them, one for each season. And since autumn just arrived, he's got a few months yet. So you see…" And here the man paused… "So you see…my hammered alley is really 'cashews clay'. And he is the gradist." . . "The gradist…of fall time."
I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” and I thought to myself…
âThatâs just spam.â
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
My wife got really mad at me because I donât have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Letâs cross that bridge when we get there.
Orionâs Belt is a huge waist of space.
No text found
My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman wonât touch anything unless itâs 20% off.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Many people say that a pirateâs favourite letter is R but…
Itâs actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
A man’s in-laws are causing him severe stress….
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
I canât believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making âFriendsâ references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Why was F jealous of C?
Because it was hotter
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.
Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.
Looks like Iâm in for a wild December.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didnât realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says âHey man, whats with the wheel?â so the Pirate tells him âArrrr, its Drivinâ me nuts!â
