“We’re going to win so much, you’re going to be so sick and tired of winning”. He was half right, people are sick and tired.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
I was watching porn on the computer, when my grandpa suddenly walked in.
Weird way to finally find out what he did for a living.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
Wrong impressions
You know when you get the wrong impression of people? I thought this: “Man, he petty.” But he just did my nails.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?
A grandpa joke
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game