We’re in big trouble
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
Why didn’t Dwayne Johnson’s downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because he’s been living under a rock.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?
Mohahamed.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
Started reading a book in brail
Something terrible is about to happen I can feel it
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage