We’re number 1! USA!
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
I found out the secret to making money…
But first, let me introduce you to todays sponsor Raid Of Shadow Legends.
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
I have sex almost everyday!!!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Why are tigers always honest?
Because they aren't lion
I feel like I have no control over my body
Everything I eat goes to shit
I used to date my english teacher
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
God made a pie and called it Earth.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
