We’re wolves

Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.   Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree.   Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work.   Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on.    Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing.   Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply?    "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."  

Let's just say…the steaks are high.

Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

So I packed up my stuff and right!

Mycoxaflopin

When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.

I know he means well.

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

"Neither have eye."

When it becomes apparent.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said “What’s up…can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?” He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

It’s currently half empty

Red paint

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".

I don't know where I came

Because it's noice.

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It really means a lot to them.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Or should I just keep washing my hands?

…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.

I told him im patient

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I have a Czech one, too. One too.

He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”

Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.

Batman: Of course not. Robin: Batshampoo? Batman: Okay, yes there is that. Robin:……… Batman: But there is also Conditioner Gordon

me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?