West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure and paranoid
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
![[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-12-400x247.png)
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
![[Satire] some good advice here](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/c6qJWVy-400x206.jpg)
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
