Westerns đź¤
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Dr. Geezer
An old geezer got bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign that said “Dr. Geezer’s clinic: Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1000.” Dr. Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to win $1000. He went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic and says, “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Aaagh! This is gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young gets annoyed and returns a couple of days later with another plan to recover his money. He enters the clinic and says, “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.” Dr. Geezer calls out, “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.” Dr. Young yells, “Oh no you don’t, that’s gasoline!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your memory back, that will be $500.” Dr. Young, angry after losing $1000, comes back after several more days. He enters the clinic and says, “My eyesight has become weak, I cannot see anything!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1000 back,” and hands Dr. Young a $10 bill. Dr. Young quickly yells, “Hey, this is only $10!” Dr. Geezer replies, “Congratulations, you’ve got your vision back, that will be $500.”
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
At first, the alphabet only had 25 letters.
Nobody knew why.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
“Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
Son: Hey Dad can you pass me my sunglasses?
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
I was diagnosed as colour blind today.
It really came out of the purple.
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you’ll last longer.
So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight" But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go under his car and pretend he's fixing something but actually having a wank. So on his way home he pulls over, crawls under his car, closes his eyes and imagines his wife. Suddenly he hears a voice, "Excuse me sir, what do you think your doing?" In shock he answers," I'm just fixing my car, the gear box was malfunctioning". The man answers " I think the handbrake is as well, your car went down the hill about five minutes ago"
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.